A misconception?

I am on a quest for perfect things. I have this idea that if I choose wisely, I can whittle my possessions down down down, and be ready for anything, anywhere. I want a coat that will keep me warm and translate from the city to the outdoors, from dreary seattle to bright and dusty burning man. A pair of pants that will never stretch and fit without public adjustments. Bright notes for joy and earth tones for camouflage. Winter to summer dresses and magic potions in tiny bottles with many uses (I want to be effortlessly luminous!) and just the right tools for making fire and food, decisions and defense, and art and craft. Ideally it would all fit in my car, if not on my back.  


Yes, this is totally possible.

xo

ps. I can cross off spoon and cup from the list.

pps. What I want even more than things? It's space.

I HAVE ALL THAT I NEED

for real. When will I learn this? xo

om namah shivaya

Day 1 of 40 trying out japa mala mantra meditation. Still buzzing from the pig roast night, running into my wonderful vipassana roommate (very serendipitous indeed), among other shenanigans. It was simply one of those nights that blasts expectations out of the water and reaffirms convictions such as.... "what goes around comes around". I've also been re-reading Eat Pray Love which has got me wanting to experiment with more-fun less-austere meditation styles. The mantra I chose rings true on my palate, I look forward to honoring my divine self in the coming weeks! xo

yellow knees

Rain has been learning a lot in his social work classes. In particular, that wearing brightly colored clothing may be an indicator of schizophrenia or psychosis. He said he thought of me... sheesh.

xo

home

Long rainy driving days with turkey breaks and I'm back in Oregon. I'm kind of in love with slow dampening of the pacific northwest. There's something sustaining about the dark wet winters where I can snuggle away deep with my thoughts and wants until sunlight breaks through. I think I depend on these periods of hibernation for synthesis and cohesion within. I'm happy to see the yin winter approach, and autumn is my champion of change.

Also, I am SO glad to be back in the land of well-crafted espresso drinks. I ordered a tea though.

xo

manifest!

I've been journaling steadily since junior high, which is about 17 years. Seventeen years, whoa! I still remember how that exalting jolt of freedom felt as I realized I could write... ANYTHING I WANTED. And so I wrote and wrote and wrote.

After trekking a hefty stack out to the temple last year, I gained a new appreciation for the weight of my words. I started a ceremony of burning those pages, but not before a final sift-through, a hopeful unearthing of patterns and gems amongst the soot.

Sometime several months ago I stopped keeping a journal completely. And this was a new kind of freedom; an experiment in honing my tools and clearing the field for new growth. It's been fun to see what themes have persisted, for I still write (about dreams and synchronicities and gratefuls, recipes and notes on the exquisite mundane).

And today I've got manifesting on the brain. For perhaps my favorite part of reading through old words has been watching my lists of wants turn into reality (and always in the most roundabout and unexpected of ways!)

So? In the spirit of putting it out there, here are some rough wants, options perhaps, for the next 6 months.

1. Work trade on a farm
2. A short term nanny gig
3. A cozily temporary cabin, loft, shack, tipi or room
4. Photography show
5. Learn carpentry or cobb house construction.
6. A reason and the means to go to India
7. Regular yoga and meditation
8. Visits with creatures
9. Sustainable candida freedom

I would gleefully live in an old barn

or in a tipsy tower

xo

bird of pray

EAGLE

SPIRIT

Eagle medicine is the power of the Great Spirit, the connection to the Divine. It is the ability to live in the realm of spirit, and yet remain connected and balanced within the realm of Earth. Eagle soars and is quick to observe expansiveness within the overall pattern of life. 

Eagle medicine is the gift we give ourselves to remind us of the freedom of the skies. Eagle asks you to give yourself permission to legalize freedom and to follow the joy your heart desires.

Bird dreams these days, breathlessly fierce and monumental. They say eagle delivers our prayers to the divine. xox

chop chop

Stripes and a pixie bob make me feel A-ok. xo

plucked from my dreams

 Skeleton lace leaves, a serendipitous gift from big sur. Free will warned me about this possibility (!) xo

escape

Do you ever have the feeling of repeating old patterns, yet seem unable to change them? Been kind of a debbie downer lately, maybe due to the changing weather, lengthening nights and uncertainty about the future. I always come back to the phrase "gleeful anticipation" when things are so unsure, a mantra for infusing magic and curiosity into my outlook. Gratefuls help too (colorful yoga studios, patterns and shadows, long hallways with wood floors, and safe returns) x

playing the waiting game

While fending off worry and anger with yoga and wandering. Oh how I hate this game! xo

“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles, and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” ~ Lao-tzu

I've been yearning for those crispy cozy autumn days for months, and here in sf it tastes of spring. xo

farm friends

 Holga shots from last month. Maybe someday I'll live the farm life for real :) xo

The past few days

Moved by Jean-Michel Basquiat, and the documentary Wasteland. Frustrated by candida battles and insomnia. Warned by the 7 of cups, 10 of swords and 7 of disks. Energized from backbends, mandala doodles and khapalabhati breath. Cheered by puppies and compliments from strangers. Sf likes my yellow tights. xxxx

obsidian dreams

Obsidian under my pillow has led to such vivid dreams these last two nights. Wild birds of prey eating from my hand and wide terraced pools, all empty. xo

A few weeks ago

I hit a drunk bum in the head with a football. He stepped in between me and Mikey, just as John was finishing his sentence; something something....."hit in the head". The ball skimmed off his skull right into Mikey's hands and we all laughed at the coincidence of it all. No one likes being laughed at, especially after being hit with a football. It turned out ok though. xo

some more thoughts on stillness and support

Yesterday I rushed sweaty faced and anxious to morning meditation. I made it with a few minutes to spare, and ended up staying for the lecture after the intro (about continuity of practice). The speaker reminded us how important it is to sit with others for support. So often I give myself a hard time for not having the willpower to practice on my own, be it yoga, meditation or other daily disciplines. For weeks after the vipassana retreat I felt Goenka's disapproving finger wagging in my face, "you MUST practice a minimum of TWO HOURS a day or you will be in DEEP SUFFERING..." My daily 15 minutes were swallowed by guilt and a sense of failure (I'm so dumb for being so hard on myself). The most surprising part of that retreat? It was the lovingkindness meditation we did on the last day. This was supposed to be a soothing balm for all those hours of austere vipassana. Compassion? I've got this in the bag.... or so I thought. What welled up instead was a seething hatred for our teacher Goenka. A hatred for his preachy manner, his jowley face and the way he said "luuurve" like a seedy Barry Manilow. Roiling hatred for his strict demands, transparent Buddhist propaganda and most of all? For being right. Whew! I am searching for a gentler way. xo

Looking down

Has its own rewards. Been sleeping too much, finding accidental pie with cardamom ice cream and counting the minutes until I can pick up my holga film..... ah! xo

I had a beautiful dream

of fall leaves turned skeleton lace, floating in a sea of paper plates and darling satchel.

xo

princess coby

I really love taking pet portraits. Animals are so refreshingly uncomplicated and have such lovely depth of soul. xo

protector

For the past few years, I've been plagued by bear dreams: terrifying fear-ridden escape-fueled bear dreams. I thought for sure I would get eaten or mauled by the beasts and even a hint of a bear was enough to make me panicky and selfish.

So a few months ago, Hillary told me that we all have 3 forces with us: a protector, a nurturer and an essence, and that it is important to identify and cultivate these aspects. Recently, before drifting into the dreamworld I asked my protector to come to me while I slept. For the first time I was not afraid of bear. From my perch high in a tree I saw him circling me, fighting off danger and keeping me safe.

The real 'aha' moment came the next day when I stole away to the car for a minute to craft myself a new dream journal out of an Anderson Valley IPA box. Like a light switch, I noticed bears all around me, from the antlered brown bears on my book to bipolar bear to my childhood teddy in the back window. There was an origami paper bear on the dash and a yogi tea fortune that began, "bear in mind..." Well duh I would have my protector in my car; a place where I feel especially anxious! And to think I had been running away for so many years :)

So now I take comfort in bear, and he is everywhere I go. xo

cozy day

I had four drinks last night and I've been hungover all day. Seriously? While I love love love a good bloody mary or hoppy microbrew, feeling sick is totally lame. Cheers to changes. xo

fill my cup

I wandered my way to a thrift shop today where I perused the book section for a good hour or two. I found a childhood favorite, Bridge to Terabithia, and read the whole thing on the spot (the ending still makes me cry). On another note, this is my attempt at taking an outfit photo a la all those stylie fashion bloggers out there. Unfortunately I am camera shy and don't have a clue how to pose or have a flattering expression on my face (hence the headlessness). Ah well! xo

yesterday

 I woke up

 walked to king street

and met another gianna at anthropologie.

xo

sherm

xo

brainstorm

yarnbombs
fairy tales
free reiki
art documentaries
amma
mandala a day

a goal

Refrain from backseat driving urges. Also, hoping camp among some big trees today! xo

an image from last night

Seven cops for one emaciated man, and then they all stood around chuckling.