manifest!

I've been journaling steadily since junior high, which is about 17 years. Seventeen years, whoa! I still remember how that exalting jolt of freedom felt as I realized I could write... ANYTHING I WANTED. And so I wrote and wrote and wrote.

After trekking a hefty stack out to the temple last year, I gained a new appreciation for the weight of my words. I started a ceremony of burning those pages, but not before a final sift-through, a hopeful unearthing of patterns and gems amongst the soot.

Sometime several months ago I stopped keeping a journal completely. And this was a new kind of freedom; an experiment in honing my tools and clearing the field for new growth. It's been fun to see what themes have persisted, for I still write (about dreams and synchronicities and gratefuls, recipes and notes on the exquisite mundane).

And today I've got manifesting on the brain. For perhaps my favorite part of reading through old words has been watching my lists of wants turn into reality (and always in the most roundabout and unexpected of ways!)

So? In the spirit of putting it out there, here are some rough wants, options perhaps, for the next 6 months.

1. Work trade on a farm
2. A short term nanny gig
3. A cozily temporary cabin, loft, shack, tipi or room
4. Photography show
5. Learn carpentry or cobb house construction.
6. A reason and the means to go to India
7. Regular yoga and meditation
8. Visits with creatures
9. Sustainable candida freedom

I would gleefully live in an old barn

or in a tipsy tower

xo

letters to the universe

About a year ago I began writing to the universe. It's become my way of prayer and celebration, of putting my hopes out there to become truth. The ways in which my wishes have manifested themselves have consistently surpassed my wildest expectations. I have learned that you really do get what you ask for, and whether the power lies in the asking or in some kind of divine pattern is inconsequential. Today I am amused at my fear. Luckily I know that the only way out is through and bigger risks lead to bigger rewards. These are the challenges that will help me grow. I feel kind of like a baby bird, peering over the edge of the nest and stretching my wings in anticipation. Onward! xo

an insecurity

from The Language Change by Kevin Hooyman

old growth new growth

 stacks and rows

tomatillo bean sprout wakame breakfast

Today I have been processing a year high stack of journals, last spring to this spring and everything in between.  I kind of feel like an archaeologist unearthing secrets to my own life.  xo

a note from March 16

I have the sense that it is all new again, time has accelerated and doing makes up he greater part of my days.  I am beginning to see change.

Holding true and fast, with an added whirlwind of emotions and possibilities.

xo

ashes to ashes

Last night in a fit of cathartic impulse, I tore up and burned about 15 of my old journals.  These spanned the past 6 years, at least seven relationships, two heartbreaks, ten homes, nine jobs, two trips to Africa, countless haircuts, bloody marys and soy lattes and more than a thousand paper cranes.  I then went out for a few drinks, free music and pac man and when I came home, I added my most beautiful paper birds to the still smoldering volumes of the past.

Reading my free will horoscope today, I am validated.

This would be an excellent week to grieve madly and deeply about the old love affairs that shattered your heart. I've rarely seen a better astrological configuration than there is now for purging the residual anguish from those old romantic collapses. So I suggest you conduct a formal ritual that will provide total exorcism and bring you maximum catharsis. Maybe you could build a shrine containing the photos and objects that keep a part of you stuck in the past, and maybe you could find the bold words and innovative gestures that will bid goodbye to them forever. Do you have any intuitions about how to create a rousing healing ceremony? 

       
xx

some notes from within

Oct 9 - Nov 14

 2010

Despite my desire to avoid repeating old patterns and mistakes, 
I have done just that and can't afford to go any deeper.  
My heart is still fragile from the last love.  
I need space. 


 I am going through something these days and it deserves all my attention. 

I think he's radiant, and scattered.   

I want to be bathed in a beam of light.

Last night I was reminded that what you resist persists.

The brain chatter is slowing.

Testing the waters of limits and telling people what I need.

And have I mentioned the beautiful women from the temple burn?

Why dwell on the pain?

Funny things last night.

I love the unexpected ridiculousness.

He keeps thinking he has something to apologize for.

She said she saw my heart unfolding like a flower.

I get lost so quickly.

I wonder if we're all this lost in love?

Maybe I'm limiting myself by assuming she has nothing to offer me.

What do I believe?  

I believe it all, it's maddening. 

 And at the root of it, I believe in that which serves me.

I'm learning to become comfortable with larger and larger spiders.

What plane am I on and is there a name for it?

Big day of multi-pitch and hiking.

I am so grateful to have adventurous friends.

Hurt feelings,  It doesn't take much.

Sometimes I think I'm too much and I'll always be too much.

However, I am not interested in settling.

Perhaps I've just become more accepting of sadness.

The stakes have been raised and I wonder what true courage looks like.

Let the right action arise....

I'm finding myself drawn to a picture of a house, austere and mysterious.

Just because I can see the future doesn't mean I have to look.

Sometimes I can see

with my whole heart

each spicy and pungent layer

upon layer,

upon layer,

juicy with mystery.

and sometimes

all I can feel

is the pain prick

of onion juice in my eye

Pete said that people expect too much from me because I'm beautiful 
and that it's unfair.  

I felt kinda beautiful with my cat shield and sword last night.

Rain asked if it felt good to be with the bad boy.

It did.

Feeling a greater sense of distance, in a good way.

He is always with me though, it's absurd.

Never in a million years would I have guessed....

what an incredible character.

It's fun to play.

I approach most things in life with great caution, 

and a few with wild abandon.

What if all I have to do is orchestrate a moment?


I'm enjoying the freedom I feel from being scattered and sustained from all angles.

Time confounds me lately, it's so liquid.

 Also, I seem to be attracting sad people.

I crave to share the darkness.

Rain is another wonderful child who is so strong and such a fighter.

He is eloquent and intelligent and always one step ahead of himself.

I hope to be intentional about this.

Steve held me as I cried and laughed.

Then I lay alone and felt my heart unfurl.

Quiet at last.

Good girl.