keywords

for the coming year

van plans
cleanse
practice
complete
income
sustain
balance
wilderness
explore more
collaborate
art
write

Today

I walked all around with Greeni, ran into an past classmate (with a darkroom!) and tasted chocolate from the oldest chocolatier in Sicily. I also sweated buckets in hot yoga and spent time with my dad. xo

Contemplating

Symbiosis. xo

source?

I am beginning to notice a the following pattern; about once a year around springtime, I injure myself doing something totally mundane and ordinary. Examples? Holding a baby. A relaxed day hike. And most recently? SLEEPING. On what was supposed to be a ski and yoga filled visit to Bend, I awoke one morning with a badly swollen wrist and no good reason. Four days later and I am still popping Advil like candy, indulging in self-pity and wondering, what is the deal? WHAT DOES IT MEAN? And when will it get better? I can't even clip my fingernails without crying. Sheesh. 

Also, for the past 3 nights I have dreamed about cats, specifically sick cats who need my help. Too many sick kitties and I can't help them all. 

Meow.

xo

unslumping yourself

is not easily done. xo

I am not religious

But I sure do like churches. It's the idea of a sacred space that I like, and the architecture. Sometimes I check the doors if I happen to be walking by, they are usually locked.  So I do my reflecting in a coffee shop instead. xo

pattern and texture

I've been reading up on Chinese medicine since my acupuncture session. Perhaps all this yin dampening I crave is but a projection of my spleen health. Food for thought. xo

a list

for yin bluff

wool and down

tent and tarp

sleeping bag and mat

pen and paper

pocket knife

backpack

obsidian for dreaming

smudge for burning

water for drinking

things to clean skin and teeth

gumboots

flashlight

p cord

open eyes ears heart

curiosity

I do not plan to eat, read or make fire

for at least 3 days.

I will bring some food

just in case.

I anticipate 

sleeping 

a 

Lot

and 

being 

cold.

I hope it all fits in.

Oh boy!

xo

om namah shivaya

Day 1 of 40 trying out japa mala mantra meditation. Still buzzing from the pig roast night, running into my wonderful vipassana roommate (very serendipitous indeed), among other shenanigans. It was simply one of those nights that blasts expectations out of the water and reaffirms convictions such as.... "what goes around comes around". I've also been re-reading Eat Pray Love which has got me wanting to experiment with more-fun less-austere meditation styles. The mantra I chose rings true on my palate, I look forward to honoring my divine self in the coming weeks! xo

home

Long rainy driving days with turkey breaks and I'm back in Oregon. I'm kind of in love with slow dampening of the pacific northwest. There's something sustaining about the dark wet winters where I can snuggle away deep with my thoughts and wants until sunlight breaks through. I think I depend on these periods of hibernation for synthesis and cohesion within. I'm happy to see the yin winter approach, and autumn is my champion of change.

Also, I am SO glad to be back in the land of well-crafted espresso drinks. I ordered a tea though.

xo

playing the waiting game

While fending off worry and anger with yoga and wandering. Oh how I hate this game! xo

“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles, and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” ~ Lao-tzu

I've been yearning for those crispy cozy autumn days for months, and here in sf it tastes of spring. xo

The past few days

Moved by Jean-Michel Basquiat, and the documentary Wasteland. Frustrated by candida battles and insomnia. Warned by the 7 of cups, 10 of swords and 7 of disks. Energized from backbends, mandala doodles and khapalabhati breath. Cheered by puppies and compliments from strangers. Sf likes my yellow tights. xxxx

some more thoughts on stillness and support

Yesterday I rushed sweaty faced and anxious to morning meditation. I made it with a few minutes to spare, and ended up staying for the lecture after the intro (about continuity of practice). The speaker reminded us how important it is to sit with others for support. So often I give myself a hard time for not having the willpower to practice on my own, be it yoga, meditation or other daily disciplines. For weeks after the vipassana retreat I felt Goenka's disapproving finger wagging in my face, "you MUST practice a minimum of TWO HOURS a day or you will be in DEEP SUFFERING..." My daily 15 minutes were swallowed by guilt and a sense of failure (I'm so dumb for being so hard on myself). The most surprising part of that retreat? It was the lovingkindness meditation we did on the last day. This was supposed to be a soothing balm for all those hours of austere vipassana. Compassion? I've got this in the bag.... or so I thought. What welled up instead was a seething hatred for our teacher Goenka. A hatred for his preachy manner, his jowley face and the way he said "luuurve" like a seedy Barry Manilow. Roiling hatred for his strict demands, transparent Buddhist propaganda and most of all? For being right. Whew! I am searching for a gentler way. xo

What is Metaphysics

anyways?

To me, this term applies to that which we don't really understand, and that which cannot be proved, yet all know on some level. The deep undercurrent. What lies beneath and above. The spirit world. The dreamworld. Levels of consciousness... unity consciousness... the astral plane. Clairvoyance. Mysticism. Tarot and palmistry. Archetypes. Enlightenment. The divine and otherworldly. Synchronicity. Transcendence. The ultimate mystery.

I've been wondering how to best reach these deeper layers...

xo

The Way

I was rereading the intro the Tao te Ching (Stephen Mitchell... it's my favorite translation) and had a moment of clarity the other day. It's the guidance without strict guidelines that really separates Taoism from any other path of spirituality or religion, and I like that! How unnatural is rigidity anyways? No wonder Taoism has always appealed to me, it's all about flow and flexibility and acceptance. ah. xo

moving towards sensation

shark by brian gilbert

A lucid dream last month in which fear took the form of a great white shark. As I faced it and dove forward into it's great red mouth my anxieties melted away into warmth.

A line from yoga yesterday about transformation through exploration.

Jealousy, sadness and fear of repeating the past.

xo

aha!

Post yoga revelation about the relationship between these old house photos, my quest for structure, and the beauty of a strong foundation. How am building my self-house? xo

core strengthening

cross mountain meditation (persist)
mint chip discomfort (resist)
a book today (transform)
afternoon vinyasa (expand)

And the rest is to the wind.
Have I mentioned how wonderful life is?
xo

abandoned gem

Another eerie beauties seen along a country road. This one reminds me of the wizard of oz. A few days home included van shenanigans, catan and croquet, new faces, indulgence and consequential guilt. And I'm off for another 10 days to bluegrass, reunions and seattle round II! I'm working on staying grounded while traveling and building some routine and stability into the trip. No soy lattes or molly moons this time, and yes please to anusara, chakra meditations, favorite tom yum and one ink beet. xo