Thursday, December 30, 2010


I collected some new things, took photos while driving and read a fluffy novel.

Today is also the fifth day of my unofficial cleanse.  I started with three days of green smoothies and I've been eating raw veggies and fruits for the past two.  At this point I remain conflicted about the process.  I like the clarity and sense of lightness.  I am uncomfortable with the inevitable allure of weight loss and sense of deprivation.  So far, this cleanse has been mild.  I'm gravitating towards sustainability and nourishment rather than the miracle quick-fix.  I yearn to flood my cells with green.  I'm bored of battling cheese.  I want forge on, but Rain comes back soon with his bloodies and banter.  And so will end the lull.  xo                

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

we are the ones we have been waiting for

A Short Anecdote of Serious Backfire
Before bed last night I turned up the heat to ease the morning transition from bed to world.  I awoke early a.m. to ice cold air, my door blown wide open and a small snowstorm in my bedroom.  The rest of the empty house was wastefully toasty.  

Now I am asking myself a well-worn question born of playa mud, double rainbows and giddy anticipation:  what does it MEAN?!

What a silly world.


p.s. I still got up

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

ginger darling

The weather today is gloriously dismal.  Gloomy, sodden clouds drip from the sky, melting away the vestiges of last weeks white fluff.  Blustery gusts and old house creaks punctuate the passing minutes. Also, I have been sick with that kind of feverish delirium that comes on strong and lets me secretly revel in escape.  In the past 3 days I have: delved deep into the world of style blogs, contemplated poppy tattoos and downed vast quantities of green smoothies, carrot juice and ginger tea.  xxx


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Friday, December 24, 2010

round and round we go

I am developing a fascination with time.  Recent events lead me to ponder it's plasticity; what does it mean when a moment turns viscous as glue? I recall a deep sense of calm as we spun on the icy road.  Clear slices of collected observation linger: oncoming trucks, honking of horns, and perpetual stillness.  Something about existing in the instant....  xo      

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Solstice Resolutions

I don't usually do resolutions, but seeing as I originally started this blog as a way to motivate myself toward goals, and hold myself accountable (and haven't done any posts at all on this topic!), now is as good a time as any to start.

A List (winter hopes and dreams)

1. ski ski at every opportunity, ski aggressively, fall often and level up, for real.
2. in my (lucid) dreams: soar as a bird, seek advice from a.s. 
3. green smoothie cleanse
4. yoga several times a week
5. get back in the climbing gym with friends
6. new home sweet home
7. darkroom investigation
8. carry my camera and use it! always.  film, digital whatever.
9. 2 weeks of daily meditation
10. hang out with ladies
11. invite a boy
12. set up etsy shop
13. supplemental income (aka 2nd job)
14. send treasures to friends
15. exploration
16. project completion: journals, knit things, books. 
17. write an honor code
19. foster a kitty
18. set more goals (is this like wishing for more wishes?)  

Well that should be fodder for posts to come.  It's funny the things I feel guilt over these days.... I haven't been practicing lucid dreaming!  I didn't do a solstice meditation!  I've never been to sparks lake! Given my schedule I have no excuse to NOT be doing these things.  I suppose my ample free time is a double edged sword and has in some ways encouraged me to be self-indulgent and impulsively lazy with my days off - think extensive naps and too many morning mimosas.  My free will horoscope today encouraged me to practice willpower in the coming weeks; may this list be an exercise in seeing things through and increasing my power to serve myself..... fini.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

chuckle bucket

I made a child cry yesterday.  He took one look at me, threw his arms up in the air and began to scream hysterically.  Even his mother couldn't console him.  xx

Saturday, December 11, 2010

old dirt, new soil

Inevitably the holiday season dredges up shit.  I am guilty of trying to skirt this mother-daughter sinkhole.  I had hoped to meander casually close to her muddy treasures, grow my own roots and bask in the uncaring sun.  xo        

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

this is it

Bottle of wine, impromptu costume parties and shake face: thus begins my winter. xx (!)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

partly nocturnal

Working nights tends to turn my weekends into a time warp, encouraging moments to stretch out for eons and waking hours to mingle seamlessly with dreamtime.  This episode has thus far included: an addiction memoir, african dance music, voracious plant tendrils and at least one snowy walk towards a bloody mary.   xx

Friday, December 3, 2010

to those spiders I have failed

Yesterday I turned on the shower accidentally drenching a spider in the tub. Attempts to save his inconsequential life were met with defeat, and I found myself overflowing in tears.  xo    

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

I stand corrected

I discovered this wonderful wise monkey face a few weeks ago: a linoleum block print carved by one of my kiddos.  The significance?  I didn't think she had it in her.   xo

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

the liquid roller coaster

time swells and reaches
elusive, slippery to the touch
expanding beyond lifetimes.
a mountain
the quick breath
of a moment!

Sunday, November 28, 2010


I went for a walk in the snow.  I watered my plants.  I drank ginger tea.  I took a shower and a nap.  I devoured a bowl of arugula. These are the small victories of my life.  xx

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sunday, November 14, 2010

some notes from within

Oct 9 - Nov 14

Despite my desire to avoid repeating old patterns and mistakes, 
I have done just that and can't afford to go any deeper.  
My heart is still fragile from the last love.  
I need space. 

 I am going through something these days and it deserves all my attention. 

I think he's radiant, and scattered.   
I want to be bathed in a beam of light.

Last night I was reminded that what you resist persists.
The brain chatter is slowing.

Testing the waters of limits and telling people what I need.
And have I mentioned the beautiful women from the temple burn?
Why dwell on the pain?

Funny things last night.
I love the unexpected ridiculousness.
He keeps thinking he has something to apologize for.

She said she saw my heart unfolding like a flower.

I get lost so quickly.
I wonder if we're all this lost in love?

Maybe I'm limiting myself by assuming she has nothing to offer me.

What do I believe?  
I believe it all, it's maddening. 
 And at the root of it, I believe in that which serves me.

I'm learning to become comfortable with larger and larger spiders.
What plane am I on and is there a name for it?

Big day of multi-pitch and hiking.
I am so grateful to have adventurous friends.

Hurt feelings,  It doesn't take much.
Sometimes I think I'm too much and I'll always be too much.
However, I am not interested in settling.

Perhaps I've just become more accepting of sadness.
The stakes have been raised and I wonder what true courage looks like.
Let the right action arise....

I'm finding myself drawn to a picture of a house, austere and mysterious.

Just because I can see the future doesn't mean I have to look.

Sometimes I can see
with my whole heart
each spicy and pungent layer
upon layer,
upon layer,
juicy with mystery.
and sometimes
all I can feel
is the pain prick
of onion juice in my eye

Pete said that people expect too much from me because I'm beautiful 
and that it's unfair.  
I felt kinda beautiful with my cat shield and sword last night.
Rain asked if it felt good to be with the bad boy.
It did.

Feeling a greater sense of distance, in a good way.
He is always with me though, it's absurd.

Never in a million years would I have guessed....
what an incredible character.
It's fun to play.

I approach most things in life with great caution, 
and a few with wild abandon.

What if all I have to do is orchestrate a moment?

I'm enjoying the freedom I feel from being scattered and sustained from all angles.

Time confounds me lately, it's so liquid.
 Also, I seem to be attracting sad people.
I crave to share the darkness.

Rain is another wonderful child who is so strong and such a fighter.
He is eloquent and intelligent and always one step ahead of himself.
I hope to be intentional about this.

Steve held me as I cried and laughed.
Then I lay alone and felt my heart unfurl.

Quiet at last.
Good girl.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Reinventing the Wheel

I've been rediscovering my love of photography lately.  I'm relishing in the anticipation and sense of mystery that come from shooting film.  I'm loving the simplicity and inconsequence of using such a toy camera.  And most of all, I'm deeply content to capture moments of stillness.  xx

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

BIG flakes

Recently, I overheard the following wise equation:

"intention x discomfort = change."

Long wet chilly snowfall walks, please be the harbinger of change.  Thank you. xo

Sunday, November 7, 2010

distractions beyond distractions

So I caved and went on a date with someone so totally wrong for me.  I'm eagerly anticipating the next.  xx

Friday, November 5, 2010

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Sunday, October 31, 2010

the smell of crunching leaves

par·a·dox  (pr-dks)

1. A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true: the paradox that standing is more tiring than walking.
2. One exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects: "The silence of midnight, to speak truly, though apparently a paradox, rung in my ears" (Mary Shelley).
3. An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises.
4. A statement contrary to received opinion.

Today, in the process of fussing over headers and fonts and what to write, I am reminded of the wonderful riddles and contradictions of life.  Do you see them too?