Who is bipolar bear frog prince?

I feel like I have been on a great big adventure for the past two years, ever since I lost my job, began seasonal work, festivals and car living, and met this character (among others). I think I am collecting chapters for a story. xo

I like to think

That I would be happy living in a tipi in the woods. And then I remember dampness, and the darkness of a northwest winter. 

It gets cold tomorrow.

xo

Sitting

Here in the Ukiah Safeway, I can smell the old man at the next table. He stares vacantly, eggnog before him. xo 

om namah shivaya

Day 1 of 40 trying out japa mala mantra meditation. Still buzzing from the pig roast night, running into my wonderful vipassana roommate (very serendipitous indeed), among other shenanigans. It was simply one of those nights that blasts expectations out of the water and reaffirms convictions such as.... "what goes around comes around". I've also been re-reading Eat Pray Love which has got me wanting to experiment with more-fun less-austere meditation styles. The mantra I chose rings true on my palate, I look forward to honoring my divine self in the coming weeks! xo

home

Long rainy driving days with turkey breaks and I'm back in Oregon. I'm kind of in love with slow dampening of the pacific northwest. There's something sustaining about the dark wet winters where I can snuggle away deep with my thoughts and wants until sunlight breaks through. I think I depend on these periods of hibernation for synthesis and cohesion within. I'm happy to see the yin winter approach, and autumn is my champion of change.

Also, I am SO glad to be back in the land of well-crafted espresso drinks. I ordered a tea though.

xo

manifest!

I've been journaling steadily since junior high, which is about 17 years. Seventeen years, whoa! I still remember how that exalting jolt of freedom felt as I realized I could write... ANYTHING I WANTED. And so I wrote and wrote and wrote.

After trekking a hefty stack out to the temple last year, I gained a new appreciation for the weight of my words. I started a ceremony of burning those pages, but not before a final sift-through, a hopeful unearthing of patterns and gems amongst the soot.

Sometime several months ago I stopped keeping a journal completely. And this was a new kind of freedom; an experiment in honing my tools and clearing the field for new growth. It's been fun to see what themes have persisted, for I still write (about dreams and synchronicities and gratefuls, recipes and notes on the exquisite mundane).

And today I've got manifesting on the brain. For perhaps my favorite part of reading through old words has been watching my lists of wants turn into reality (and always in the most roundabout and unexpected of ways!)

So? In the spirit of putting it out there, here are some rough wants, options perhaps, for the next 6 months.

1. Work trade on a farm
2. A short term nanny gig
3. A cozily temporary cabin, loft, shack, tipi or room
4. Photography show
5. Learn carpentry or cobb house construction.
6. A reason and the means to go to India
7. Regular yoga and meditation
8. Visits with creatures
9. Sustainable candida freedom

I would gleefully live in an old barn

or in a tipsy tower

xo

plucked from my dreams

 Skeleton lace leaves, a serendipitous gift from big sur. Free will warned me about this possibility (!) xo

playing the waiting game

While fending off worry and anger with yoga and wandering. Oh how I hate this game! xo

“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles, and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” ~ Lao-tzu

I've been yearning for those crispy cozy autumn days for months, and here in sf it tastes of spring. xo

farm friends

 Holga shots from last month. Maybe someday I'll live the farm life for real :) xo

Looking down

Has its own rewards. Been sleeping too much, finding accidental pie with cardamom ice cream and counting the minutes until I can pick up my holga film..... ah! xo

protector

For the past few years, I've been plagued by bear dreams: terrifying fear-ridden escape-fueled bear dreams. I thought for sure I would get eaten or mauled by the beasts and even a hint of a bear was enough to make me panicky and selfish.

So a few months ago, Hillary told me that we all have 3 forces with us: a protector, a nurturer and an essence, and that it is important to identify and cultivate these aspects. Recently, before drifting into the dreamworld I asked my protector to come to me while I slept. For the first time I was not afraid of bear. From my perch high in a tree I saw him circling me, fighting off danger and keeping me safe.

The real 'aha' moment came the next day when I stole away to the car for a minute to craft myself a new dream journal out of an Anderson Valley IPA box. Like a light switch, I noticed bears all around me, from the antlered brown bears on my book to bipolar bear to my childhood teddy in the back window. There was an origami paper bear on the dash and a yogi tea fortune that began, "bear in mind..." Well duh I would have my protector in my car; a place where I feel especially anxious! And to think I had been running away for so many years :)

So now I take comfort in bear, and he is everywhere I go. xo

fill my cup

I wandered my way to a thrift shop today where I perused the book section for a good hour or two. I found a childhood favorite, Bridge to Terabithia, and read the whole thing on the spot (the ending still makes me cry). On another note, this is my attempt at taking an outfit photo a la all those stylie fashion bloggers out there. Unfortunately I am camera shy and don't have a clue how to pose or have a flattering expression on my face (hence the headlessness). Ah well! xo

yesterday

 I woke up

 walked to king street

and met another gianna at anthropologie.

xo

the web

 Morning fog on the farm.

xx

onward!

4 of wands
5 of cups
princess of swords
princess of swords
4 of swords
9 of cups
5 of wands
4 of swords

I am becoming familiar with the 4 of swords and it's reminder to take a break.

So we've finished at our first spot and most of the crew is headed north for another week or so. On my last day, the bright lights and constant chatter finally urged me outside where I should have been the whole time. I forget how sensitive I am, I was becoming borderline unhinged. What I realized at the award celebration last night? We all were.
xo

blue dream

This picture rings a bell..... dreamed of my other magical camp home last night. And now I'm full on rolling oak savannah hills, misty mossy treescapes and the chirp buzzing of crickets. xo

omens of what?

Finished up the last chapter of my synchronicity book last night (on death and dying), dreamed about a friend falling to her death from a balcony and upon waking I drew the death card form my tarot deck.

Transformations? Endings? New beginnings? Time will tell.... xx

wild boar liver

and rattlesnake dinners.

Been playing at farm life for the past few days, minus most of the hard work. Thankful for beautiful plants, welcoming fiends and frank discussions. And fruit ninja! xo