Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Dream

I am in line for an initiation ceremony where I will be buried alive for an unknown amount of time. I climb into the casket which is buried 6 feet below, but I do not want them to fill the hole with dirt, I am afraid of having a panic attack. I have recently been scuba diving and was rusty about using the air hose. So I am in the casket and it's dark and suffocating, I climb out to go pee and face some disapproving looks, like I am not truly committing to the process. I rationalize that I am making an okay decision, being completely buried just isn't safe. I convince myself that merely being in the closed casket in the dark is a good enough initiation. I sheepishly get back in and blow all the candles out to prove that I am committing, I am. 


Am I?
xo

Monday, July 15, 2013

31

Three years ago today, while camping with my parents I had my first lucid dream.

Two years ago I was vipassana meditating 10 hours a day and hadn't spoken in a week.

Last year I was acid tripping in a wicker dragon with a tiny fairy child, naked singing hallelujah with strangers dripping sauna sweat.

This year I am alone but not lonely across the globe in Nepal. 

Summer birthdays are the best.

xo

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Kathmandu

I have been getting a lot of validation from online sources these days, posting pics on tumblr and checking to see if anyone likes them. It is both motivation and a strange pressure for my picture taking process. 

My style is a bit sneakster, a covert operation. I like the honesty of a candid. As I walk around I see the world in frames, beautiful creased faces, bright colors, shapes and patterns and laughter in eyes. Sometimes my whole focus become pictures I am missing. It is an easy leap from there to self criticism, of my shyness, my introversion. Last week I began carrying this guilt around, as if the problem lay in my fear of asking.

So I made a challenge, to ask 10 people if I could take their picture. I had yet to ask this question in my 6 months of travel. So I went out with my mission, nervously, and noticed some really interesting things. Of the 4 adults I asked, 3 of them were behind something, like a metal gate or a glass window, as if I needed the illusion of separation to be comfortable. One person said no. All were shitty pictures. 

BUT, in the process of talking to one guy (a schoolteacher) I attracted bunch of kiddos which led into a ridiculous photo session of leaping shots and of laughing. The kids actually were the ones to ask me, but I count it anyways. It was exactly what I needed.

I realized that to get the kind of non-sneakster shot I love, I have to build a relationship with the person first. I need to be able to put them at ease so they are reacting not to the camera itself, but to the girl behind it. I can do this with kids and with friends. And with strangers if I am drunk. And that will have to do for now.



Sunday, January 20, 2013

my name

means something different wherever I am, from yesterday to a state of one-pointed concentration. Here in Kashmir? My name means heart. xo

today

While being ferried around tourist style to somewhere that I didn't want to go, I saw a street boy. He came up to the car window with a dirty rag to his mouth, which meant he was high on gasoline or glue. He tried a flip and fell on his back. It took him a minute to get up. Then he dislocated his shoulders in a grotesque plea. He put his face right against my window, shielding his eyes with his hand (was just tall enough to see in). I bent to mirror him, our expressions separated by a pane of glass and a short lifetime of experience: his small blank eyes, my ambivalent tears. We held our gaze and he flicked a smile that I could not decode. Waseem and Carmen in the car, tried to get my attention and spanish Agnes said "leave her alone". 

I feel like a water balloon, filling slowly for weeks, and suddenly pricked by two glassy brown pins.

xo

Monday, December 24, 2012

hmm...

I have to give myself some credit for breaking old patterns. Isn't that what growth is all about? 

Also, I like to think that since the solstice I have felt a flood of rawness, a glittery edge and unexpected flow. xo

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

last night

I celebrated Rain's semester of brilliance by drinking bloody marys and slapping strangers who quickly became friends. xo

Monday, December 10, 2012

to be honest

I'm a bit of a mess right now, as evidenced by my extreme drowsiness, weepiness and other things. It's mostly circumstantial, and a good opportunity for SOMETHING, I am sure. (I promise). xo

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Oh the shame!

Of being a slap happy drunk. There is exactly one person who gets it :)

Monday, September 17, 2012

sometimes


Someone snaps a picture of me when I am not looking. It is a rare treat :) This year at burning man I cried daily, if not more. I think I need the release to feel good. xo

Thursday, August 16, 2012

did I mention

That I turned 30? 

I wonder what good habits I can bring into the new decade.

xo

Monday, June 18, 2012

a quiz I took


It is time for you to discover your magical path.
Money may feel elusive and somewhat magical to you. Like a fairytale you wonder if it is real and possible for you to experience true wealth.
There is a deep inner wisdom within you that is starting to show buds, but you often second guess yourself wondering if it is magical thinking. When you do this, the buds aren't able to blossom.
There is great wisdom in magical thinking and fairytales. It is time for you to cultivate your unique magical path and recognize the wisdom within it.
Your greatest challenge: Â You get caught up in limiting mind loops that stunt the magic from growing into reality. Your greatest challenge is to recognize your limiting patterns and find the wisdom within them so you can release their spell on you.
Your greatest opportunity for creating wealth: Wealth comes from walking your magical path. Your greatest opportunity is to cultivate your belief in your magical path and release the fears and doubts so you can experience your own fairytale.
Inspired action: Notice where your limiting beliefs are holding you back and write a new fairytale that has all the magic you desire.
(from soul artist laura hollick)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

confession

sometimes I use my ipad and laptop at the same time. xo

Friday, May 4, 2012

damn



What am I most excited about these days? Taking pictures of my friends. xo