Friday, July 29, 2011

this is way cool

journey in perception


I've been poring over photo albums, recently acquired since my grandma's death earlier this month.  I especially love this photo of my grandparents in their northwest finery. Family is an eternal puzzle, one that confounds me daily. These past days at my parent's house have been trying, par for the course. I am overwhelmed. I am ready for desert space. xo

Thursday, July 28, 2011


I'm so turned by events of the past few days that I'm overflowing with gratitude, a sense of possibility and a fear of forgetting what I've learned. I have a nagging tendency to hold on to experiences, feelings, things, as if nothing beautiful will ever come my way again. I'm learning to seek rhythm and beets when so caught in my head, and the cycle of in and out is becoming more fluid.

my words are swords.


unconventional praise

you make me want to kiss my dad on the lips

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

heart gushing

Four days frolicking in the woods wildly exceeded my hopes and dreams. It began in a fairyland bermuda triangle and spiraled through shape shifts, voice vibrations and tears of a most exquisite paradox. It was as if everything I knew was immediately true, to let go meant to have it all, and each judgement was mirrored back on myself with relentless persistence. Doubt roaches were squashed by an upward gaze, an experiential crescendo of infinite paths. Even as I bind these wonders with words, I am compelled by a change of pace. xo

Thursday, July 21, 2011

abandoned gem

Another eerie beauties seen along a country road. This one reminds me of the wizard of oz. A few days home included van shenanigans, catan and croquet, new faces, indulgence and consequential guilt. And I'm off for another 10 days to bluegrass, reunions and seattle round II! I'm working on staying grounded while traveling and building some routine and stability into the trip. No soy lattes or molly moons this time, and yes please to anusara, chakra meditations, favorite tom yum and one ink beet. xo

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I've been connecting with like-minded people lately, which has been refreshing validation for who I am and how I live my life. And on the flip side? A dampening realization that I'm not that unique. It's a dangerous attachment for me, a slippery slope of ego fodder, and a paradox in itself. How is it possible to all be unique? I'm reconciling the wonder of individuality and the knowledge that layers down we are the same, atoms beyond atoms, all with the shared ability to feel pain and appreciate beauty. xo

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

look mom! look at me I'm doing it!

Sometimes I feel like a little kid in constant need of validation. What is it exactly that I am doing? I wonder. xo

Sunday, July 17, 2011

patiently, persistently....... continuously.

holysmokes that was interesting. Ten days and one hundred hours of meditation later, I am in the midst of processing the experience.

days 1-3: noble silence. focus on the breath and sensations on the nose. frequent posture changes, experimentations in cushion technology, extreme drowsiness, wandering mind. deepening of awareness and increase in subtle sensations. meditations on breakfast.
day 4: FIERCE DETERMINATION. This is when the real challenge began, with the introduction of the vipassana technique and hour long group sits without changing posture. Lucid dreams, adrenaline and shark confrontations. Pleasant blurring of wake and sleep.
days 5-6: fierce determination continued. subtle vibrations and flow, deepening concentration and eager anticipation for discourses. Stiffness, back pain and stillness. Elation, and the realization that everyone I know desperately, unequivocally NEEDS this practice. Also, I dissolved.
days 7-9: More dissolution followed by questions, analysis, doubts and a critical mind. Bubbling emotions. thoughts of sun and strings and dancing. My 29th birthday. Constant pervasive, bordering on intrusive awareness of subtle vibrations.
day 10: Noble silence turned chattering. Lovingkindness meditations turned ugly, aversive. Impatience. Discouragement. New friends, smiles. A timely metaphor concerning well digging and universal thirst.

And I have arrived home via sandwiches, cherries, a brownie and an unexpected mistake of several hundreds. Also some long awaited good news, and heart warming birthday notes from wonderful friends and family. xo

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

details from the stoop

I've been really enjoying the front steps lately, especially with tea and morning sun.  It's not quite a porch, but it works for me. I like to think that living in an apartment has been good for my self consciousness.

Somehow managed to stay up all night Sunday puttering around with various projects.  I couldn't sleep so I instead watched a movie about sleep in which a man's dreamtime blurs with reality.  It was a surreal night. I did some sun salutations to welcome the first faint glow over the horizon, and went out for a much anticipated bloody mary. Bend was in rare form yesterday for the 4th, freedom bikers and river floaters and dogs in hoards! Sunburns, grass yoga, beet pasta, rooftop fireworks and night time sprinkler running all happened, and I powered it out late. There's a certain joy I get from going without sleep and watching night illuminate into day. Things are changing fast these days.

So tomorrow I'm off to a 10 day vipassana meditation retreat. It's something I've wanted to do for a while, and what better time than now? I'm nervous about the long hours of sitting, and the 4am wakeup bell. I'm curious as to where my mind will go. I'm hoping to gain self-discipline and have experiences that I don't understand. I'm also looking forward to being around some ladies, it's been a lot of dude time lately.

Here I go!


Sunday, July 3, 2011

short wins

Duh. Spent my morning cleaning and reading and writing letters to alaska. The words on my new pen pal? Attractive and charming, yes please!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

pouring god into god (j.d salinger)

I've been instructed to study the ocean. And now that I've begun, I can't stop seeing the sea.  Waves in my breakfast bowl, lichen turned to coral and tingling ripples in my fingertips. Jen calls it spiritual experience, I would call it recognition of myself. xo

Friday, July 1, 2011

the quest for the horizon departs

After some luminous adventuring to the oregon coast, olympic peninsula, portland and seattle it feels good to be home, while this is still home. There's nothing like anticipating change to feed appreciation for the now. Pondering how to stay rooted while on the move. Filling my days with the mundane and mindless, sweeping dust out of the corners and taking my sweet time. Preparing for flight and great depths. xo