some notes from within

Oct 9 - Nov 14

 2010

Despite my desire to avoid repeating old patterns and mistakes, 
I have done just that and can't afford to go any deeper.  
My heart is still fragile from the last love.  
I need space. 


 I am going through something these days and it deserves all my attention. 

I think he's radiant, and scattered.   

I want to be bathed in a beam of light.

Last night I was reminded that what you resist persists.

The brain chatter is slowing.

Testing the waters of limits and telling people what I need.

And have I mentioned the beautiful women from the temple burn?

Why dwell on the pain?

Funny things last night.

I love the unexpected ridiculousness.

He keeps thinking he has something to apologize for.

She said she saw my heart unfolding like a flower.

I get lost so quickly.

I wonder if we're all this lost in love?

Maybe I'm limiting myself by assuming she has nothing to offer me.

What do I believe?  

I believe it all, it's maddening. 

 And at the root of it, I believe in that which serves me.

I'm learning to become comfortable with larger and larger spiders.

What plane am I on and is there a name for it?

Big day of multi-pitch and hiking.

I am so grateful to have adventurous friends.

Hurt feelings,  It doesn't take much.

Sometimes I think I'm too much and I'll always be too much.

However, I am not interested in settling.

Perhaps I've just become more accepting of sadness.

The stakes have been raised and I wonder what true courage looks like.

Let the right action arise....

I'm finding myself drawn to a picture of a house, austere and mysterious.

Just because I can see the future doesn't mean I have to look.

Sometimes I can see

with my whole heart

each spicy and pungent layer

upon layer,

upon layer,

juicy with mystery.

and sometimes

all I can feel

is the pain prick

of onion juice in my eye

Pete said that people expect too much from me because I'm beautiful 
and that it's unfair.  

I felt kinda beautiful with my cat shield and sword last night.

Rain asked if it felt good to be with the bad boy.

It did.

Feeling a greater sense of distance, in a good way.

He is always with me though, it's absurd.

Never in a million years would I have guessed....

what an incredible character.

It's fun to play.

I approach most things in life with great caution, 

and a few with wild abandon.

What if all I have to do is orchestrate a moment?


I'm enjoying the freedom I feel from being scattered and sustained from all angles.

Time confounds me lately, it's so liquid.

 Also, I seem to be attracting sad people.

I crave to share the darkness.

Rain is another wonderful child who is so strong and such a fighter.

He is eloquent and intelligent and always one step ahead of himself.

I hope to be intentional about this.

Steve held me as I cried and laughed.

Then I lay alone and felt my heart unfurl.

Quiet at last.

Good girl.